The Woman who Went to Bed for a Year by Sue Townsend

Author:Sue Townsend [Townsend, Sue]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9780718157531
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2012-03-01T05:00:00+00:00

39

It was New Year’s Day. Brian and Titania had been making love for most of the afternoon. Brian had ingested Viagra at 2.15 p.m. and was still going strong.

Every now and again, Titania moaned, ‘OMG!’ But the truth was that she’d had enough. Brian had explored most of her orifices and she was glad he appeared to be having a good time, but she had things to do, people to see. She drummed her fingers on his back, absentmindedly. But this only served to spur him on and before she knew it he had turned her upside down so that she was almost suffocated by the duck-feather pillows gathering around her face. She had to fight for air. ‘OMG!’ she shouted. ‘Are you trying to kill me?’

Brian stopped to get his breath back for a few moments, and said, ‘Look, Titania, can you go back to shouting “Oh my God!”? OMG does nothing for me.’

Titania, who was still upside down with her legs leaning against the wall, said, ‘We’re like two water buffalo yoked together, endlessly turning a bloody wheel. How many Viagra did you take?’

‘Two,’ said Brian.

‘One would have been sufficient,’ complained Titania. ‘I could have finished your ironing by now.’

Brian made a superhuman effort, summoning up images that had served him well over the years: the cleavage of Miss Fox, who had taught him physics at Cardinal Wolsey Grammar; French women lying topless on a beach near St Malo; the woman eating a cream horn in the back of the bakery, the cream on the end of her tongue.

Nothing worked. They battled on and on.

Titania kept looking at her watch. Her head and torso were now hanging over the end of the bed. She saw a rolled-up pair of her socks she had thought were lost under the chest of drawers. ‘OMGIH!’ she shouted. ‘How much longer?’

Brian whispered, ‘Let’s have angry sex.’

Titania said, ‘I’m already having angry sex, I’m totally pissed off! If you don’t get off me soon, I’m going to –’

She didn’t need to finish her sentence. Brian ejaculated so violently and noisily that Ruby, who was in the garden standing over a drain and rinsing the fetid head of an old-fashioned mop with a garden hose, thought that he had started keeping wild animals in his shed.

Nothing could surprise her any more. She’d once thought that paying £1.70 for a bottle of water from Iceland was about as daft as you could get – especially when there was nice cold water in the tap. But she’d been wrong.

Somehow, while her attention had been elsewhere, everybody in the world had gone mad.

Alexander let himself into Eva’s house – the door was usually on the latch these days – and shouted, ‘Hello!’

Nobody apart from Eva answered.

He walked upstairs, rehearsing what he was going to say. It was a long time since he had declared his love for a woman.

Eva said, ‘Happy New Year. You look cold.’

He said, ‘I am … and Happy New Year too. I’ve been on Beacon Hill, painting.

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